Sarah's Dilemma

Toilet papering a house is also a good way to get across the "we wish you would move" point. The mistake most amateurs make is to insufficiently cover the house, using only a few rolls. Unfortunately, there is a mathematical progression that indicates that the chances of being caught increase in relation to the time needed to toss each additional roll.

This was a challenge I considered at length when one of the families in my last Ward decided to start sitting in the row I had sat in for nearly ten years. How could I deliver a shock-and-awe barrage of toilet paper quickly, increasing the number of rolls delivered while keeping time (and associated risk of being caught) down?

Granted, there are times when it is OK and even desirable to let the object of your frustration know exactly who dumped 184 rolls of two-ply in the upper branches of their trees 10 minutes before a rain storm, but other times it is best to take advantage of stealth.

To that end, I designed a gimble-mounted TP delivery system to mount in my mini-van. Operating off compressed air and delivering up to 20 rounds of TP simultaneously, the idea was to roll up to the offender's home with the side door open, fire, and drive off whilst laughing maniacally.

I say 20 "rounds" rather than 20 "rolls" intentionally. One of the major design considerations was how to fire the TP in such a way that it would stream rather than just stay intact and fly over the house as a un-furled roll. The solution, I believe, is to fan-fold rolls of TP into a round box that matches the diameter of the delivery barrel. This not only solves the problem of deployment, it also creates a "sabot" that increases the overall efficiency of the mechanism.

Here's a rough diagram of what I have in mind:

Just a thought. - Paul